Gruß vom Krampus

On Thursday, December 18th, 2014 I attended the PEP (Phoenix Educational Programming) Rally at the Lawn Gnome Publishing building in downtown Phoenix. It was hosted by Aaron Hopkins-Johnson and Matt Storrs (sporting a very festive suit) and had a holiday themed program.

Our hosts, Matt Storrs & Aaron Hopkins-Johnson

Featured artists were: Andy Warpigs, Ernesto Moncada, Dan Hull, One of Santa’s elves, Gordon Glitterbeast, High School Vocal Ensemble and myself, billed as giving a talk on “Understanding Krampus”. Basically, I was asked to come and read my poem “Krampus”, but stayed for the whole show (I was the final act, so I didn’t have much choice).

Gordon Glitterbeast explained the protocol of writing letters to Santa.

The basic set up was a featured guest would come up and tell a Christmas related story, then the hosts would follow up with a few comments on their set and introduce the next act. Every once in a while a little holiday themed contest would be held, the prizes being vegan cookies (baked by Matt Storrs, and delicious) and artificial flowers made out of book pages, one of which which I won for identifying the characters from “A Christmas Story”.

The show was a lot of fun and the stories were alternately ribald, funny, sad and sentimental. I honestly enjoyed every guest’s set and I think I made a good impression with my old chestnut, “Krampus”.

Krampus puts naughty children into his basket.

“Krampus”

At this joyful time of year, full of festive reveling

There is one whom you should fear if you’re prone to deviling

On the heels of blithe St Nick, comes a fellow dark and wild

Horned and beastly, like Old Nick, searching for a naughty child

Cloven hoof and lolling tongue, with a basket on his back

Filled with wicked Alpine young, wailing at his switch’s crack

Lapping at their bleeding welts, their cries foment his dire thirst

Heedless of their rueful guilt, doomed in demon’s clasp they’re curst

After which they’re borne to Hell, shackled in a clanking chain

On a sled of ne’er-do-wells, never to be seen again

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